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#DukeOfSomolu: EFCC, Trauma And Retail Therapy

INSIDEMAINLAND – Some people when they are under stress or go through trauma. They smoke, drink or have sex.

Others go to church, do fasting or worship whatever they worship, I just buy shoes.

That was how on Friday, I got a call. Is that Edgar and I said yes. I had been receiving a lot of calls from Accountants looking for jobs. So I thought this was another accountant about to irritate me.

I was due for the UK visa centre and was not in a very good mood. I had been made to pay over N1m for visa fees and was being told that because of the crowd, I had to cough out another N130k to upgrade to premium.

So I wasn’t in the mood for another unintelligent accountant who didn’t know the simple difference between himself and an investment banker.

We need you in our office on Monday at 10 am. I said who is this and she said EFCC. Immediately I lost appetite and didn’t feel my dick.

I said hope no problem and she said no. It is about your matter with ×××××××. I said, but I have left that company and I have handed it over. Pls, don’t let me come, I fear you people o.

She said, pls just come, the zonal head wants to see you. I said ok I’ll be there and dropped the phone.

I should have told them I had covid. But I wasn’t thinking fast enough.

I allowed myself to wallow in self-pity. What kind of wahala is this one again o. I don’t want to enter the gulag again o. I am now 52 with no energy to enter the cell again and be listening to all sorts of stories bothering on fake self-pity.

I immediately started working my phones. I called everybody o. If I didn’t call you, know say you had nothing to do with EFCC.

I called police, called boy Scouts, called Airforce and called US Marines and LASTMA.

As I called, everybody was telling me to calm down. Are you not a man?. What is the worse thing, they will throw you in a cell and so?.

You will come out in 2 days. Are you not the Duke?. Pls, stop worrying about yourself.

That night I dreamt and saw myself with OJ Simpson. He wanted to tell me he wasn’t the one. I say, bro, me sef get my own. Mbok leave me.

I couldn’t eat and watch porn and started binging on Coca Cola. I needed the sugar rush. I was fearful. In this time of covid, I will now enter gulag?

By Sunday I was messed up. I hid my fear. Even as my brothers Kayode and Yemi came for lunch, I did my best to hide the trauma.

By night, we had the meeting with the OBJ people and I was still working the phones, totally distracted from the meetings.

Then I called my sister Ronke and she said don’t you know …. call her. I did and she said, why are you calling now. Better go and look for who will bail you

I screamed. Aunty na. She laughed and said don’t worry, I’ll look into it. She later called back and said, ‘go and explain yourself very carefully, you will not be arrested but show sincerity and your plans to settle the matter. It’s 5 years.

I said aunty I have resigned o. She said be speaking Grammer there.

Then I remembered my brother. He had just been given a very sensitive and strategic job at a Fed agency and I Called him and said, ‘ bro your brother is going o.

He laughed and said, ‘ Edgar you can be so dramatic. He said what happened. I told him and he said if that is it, go and explain yourself and you will be OK.

I said but can’t I explain through zoom. I will buy a system and have my boys go and install it so I can explain through zoom. He laughed and said common go and explain, if there is a problem call me.

I said okay o. This night sleep eluded me. I watched Xvideos nothing. The Latina bunnies irritating me. I watched Netflix, each time I saw a police cell, I will shout.

No sleep o. I just dey look wall. Dey look my 242 shoes- I had just given out about 10-, dey look my clothes and they wonder what they will do with them when I am sentenced.

Morning came and Nelson came. He was my wingman. He will be the one that will run and go and get help in the event that they are chaining me to the wall.

We drove in silence to Ikoyi. I went to Access and Zenith bank to clear my accounts. I cannot shout. School fees will not hear that EFCC hang your account.

Then the time was ripe. The matter was ready, noon was ready. I told my driver to drive far in case they want to seize it.

As we entered I saw my brother c….. he was the first EFCC man to ever arrest me and since then we had become friends.

He shouted Duke what are you doing here?. I say them say make I come o. He say una never solve the matter. I say my brother see me o.

He said don’t worry, if we detain you, I go dey bring food come. I say me sef don ready, I wear boxer and singlet. See scream cos last time, na him buy am cos I no dey wear.

I say my brother make person no go rape me o for this covid time.

We both laughed and he took me inside.

Immediately he introduced me, the madam said, ‘ ohh you are the Edgar that the whole world has been calling me since Friday. Why did you call so many people?

I say sorry ma. See say he is the Duke of Shomolu. I say madam don’t mind him o. I am not any Duke o. I don’t know that person.

She was very professional. Asked very intelligent questions and showed a very high level of understanding of the transaction and was very nice.

I became relaxed and engaged her. After it all, she said you can go but you have to come back to help us until this is over.

I wanted to hug her but just said, thank you and ran away before she changed her mind.

I called my driver and rushed to Lagos market to spend a whooping N100k on shoes.

This is my own retail therapy. I buy shoes to relax. Mbok if you know what I have suffered on this matter you will pity me.

We are still on it and will resolve it amicably I am very sure of that.

For now, I just dey respect myself as I am not looking for trouble again.



Joseph Edgar
Joseph Edgar is an Investment banker and Columnist with Thisday and DailyTimes newspapers. He is witty and is a hilarious writer.