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Why I want to be Nigeria’s President – #DukeOfSomolu

I generally annoy my friends on my WhatsApp. The long suffering people who really do love me have no choice but to read and down load all my inanities as I send them minute by minute and on the daily. Some like Jumoke secretly block me and hope and pray that I do not notice before they put me back after regaining some level of sanity. I have made myself come to believe that they all love me and would not dare to block or feel irritated by my life on the go as I chronicle and push towards them.

Well, yesterday, I had a training session with my new friend Lookman’s firm. He had wanted me to come talk about investment banking and sales. My two hot topics. So I jumped into my classic Zara pants and ran towards his Ikoyi Office. I got there too early and decided to go to the Chicken Republic outlet on Awolowo Road for breakfast. If you know me, I am a CocaCola junkie. I abuse the substance to the point I want to believe that I may have lost the taste to damaged tastebuds. Anyways, I seat at the outlet drinking my coke and reading my column in the Thisday. This week, I was taking up Sani Abacha, the late demon. I loved the article like I always do with my writing, hope you know I am an egomaniac I really do love myself. My revelry was brought to a standstill when I got a message from my boy who is wallowing in Dubai that he had sent the story to Gumsu, Abacha’s daughter who was his mate in our school Command Secondary School, where I had just withdrawn from its Alumni presidency.

This Niyi I will surely castrate him when he comes back. Well, back to the gist. Gabriel my tall and brilliant young staff walks in and suddenly decided to take me a picture. When he shows me the pics, my Gucci half shoes were glaring at me. They looked so sweet that I began to wonder, why can’t I be President. The picture looked so presidential that I immediately sent it out to all my 250 WhatsApp friends proclaiming my intentions to be President at 55. I smartly didn’t mention that it was the Gucci slippers that gave me the inspiration. The same slippers  Henry is disturbing me for since I have not completed payments. He should calm down abeg.

Anyways, I got 5 votes out of the 250 people I had sent the stuff to and this was quite inspiring not because of the numbers but because of the calibre of people who supported me. Xavier my other young friend in Angus – Angus is where I went to repeat my form 4 after failing twice in Command – who believed that we should start gunning for something now to better position us. My Lord Chike Ogeah, the tall and handsome former Commissioner felt I would be too old by then that I should start at 50. But be like say, him never read paper recently Buhari na 75 o, Jerry Useni is closer to 100 than 70 but still in the run so at 55 I go still be teenager.

Well anyways, as I contemplate the next seven years of my life, I beseech you Nigerians to get ready for an embolic revolution that would see me swept into the Presidency as the first Soomolu born, Ibibio Christian president of the Federal republic of Nigeria just like JFK. But nobody go kill me o. Make una let me know now so that I respect myself.

Hi Bolanle Austen Peters, the book is coming out soon with your forward God bless you my sister.

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Joseph Edgar
Joseph Edgar is an Investment banker and Columnist with Thisday and DailyTimes newspapers. He is witty and is a hilarious writer.
http://insidemainland.com