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Lagos City Marathon: Why I Will Not Run – #DukeOfSomolu

Except you are completely blind and tone-deaf will you miss the Lagos City Marathon 2018. It is on the airwaves and everywhere you turn, you will see something Access Bank the lead corporate sponsor has put on all major roads announcing the race. This year unlike in the past, the urge to go and register has been really urgent. But at the last minute, I have decided not to register for a number of reasons.

First, I have looked squarely at my tummy. The thing is protruding very dangerously that it now seats equably on my belt and when naked, blocks the view of my pecker. So I begin to wonder just how easy it will take me to drag the thing with the volume of Afang and fufu loaded in it around the marathon route.

Another reason, is if I run now, who will now be giving glucose and water to the female runners when they need them. Who will now be carrying them on the back when they faint. Who will now wait for them at the finish line to make sure they don’t fall on all these rough Lagos roads after running from the roundabout on Lekki.  My people, some of us are selfless o. Something must inspire somebody o.

If you are a frequent visitor to the Lekki bridge, the things you will be seeing on that bridge in the name of jogging will amaze you. Even the Facebook honcho flew in recently when Nigerian staff using Google map told him of what they were seeing on that bridge and this is why I have decided to position myself on that bridge as my own contribution to a greater Lagos.

That bridge holds a lot of promise and I really thank those who built it for what they have given Lagos. For me the marathon will begin and end on that bridge. My people, I really recommend you drive there every morning, park your car by the filling station at the Lekki end and now stroll to the bridge and just stand there with your binoculars and be seeing the wonders of the land unfold in your very eyes. To think that you have been wasting valuable ‘tourist hours’ going to work when you could have just opened a small shop on the bridge and be charging your own toll gate fees for other onlookers. I tell you, you will see all the wonders that God has created in this our Nigeria. Different colours, sizes and outlook. Some are just walking around, others are jogging while yet some others are lazing around with no intend but to ensure that some people will drive their cars into the waiting Lagoon.

The costumes are mesmerizing, leaving nothing to the imagination. The rumbles as they jog on the bridge, will begin to make you wonder just if the bridge was strong enough to contain all the stampede. The hair flaying around in the cool lagoon breeze, the heavy chests, weaving and bobbing around, calling the attention of motorists who for once do not mind the horrendous traffic jams as it affords them the opportunity to really access the natural endowments that makeup part of Nigeria’s landscape.

So my people, for me the marathon will begin and end on that Lekki bridge. I will be leaving my house by 4:00 am, before all these funny LASTMA people will go and block road doing eye service because of Governor, I no fit cry.

I have bought my gear – dark goggles and a fine face cap. I will just position myself and be screening these dolls while praying that a light in complexion and chubby sweetie like that Monalisa Chinda will win this race for me. If the yeye men, no gree and come run pass them, I will still be on the bridge with towel and cold water to attend to the tired legs of all the light in complexion lady runners mbog. Did I hear anybody ask what of the men, did I send them on any errand? mshewwww. I don go join Red Cross dedicating my life to the lady runners. Thank you. I owe no apology. Na my fundamental human right.

 

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Joseph Edgar
Joseph Edgar is an Investment banker and Columnist with Thisday and DailyTimes newspapers. He is witty and is a hilarious writer.
http://insidemainland.com